I Thought You Would Live Forever…


This is the first time ever…. I am sharing something that’s too close to my heart. I have written about things that do not bother me, that bother me and about those people and situations that made the poet inside become a ballad singer.

For the first time ever, i am sharing something that i have never told the world. Maybe i am scared to share these things even with myself. I do not want my soul to become a black hole that slowly digests my entire beings. So here i am sharing it all … and i don’t quite know the consequences.

I thought she would never die. I thought she would live forever. For my entire life was spent in her loving arms and all i wanted to do, was be a shadow of her glorious huge persona. I could find many similarities between me and her. Generation gap was not really an issue as long as we both wanted to share something we really wanted to.

Ever since i opened these tiny eyes, i had only seen her . She first held me and maybe she was the first ever impression that i had on my brain and i thought she would live forever…

I never knew that she would die and die so suddenly. Yes, i agree i had started feeling that i was about to lose her. I had started to know that  her time had come but i paid no attention to those little signs that told me that she may soon die. But she was pretty much healthy and i thought she would never die…

One fine day, she complained about a pain. I took her to the doctor and  everything was fine. All the reports said that there was no big concern. She came back home. She was suffering still. But all i did was give her the pill and console her that the pain will soon be over ’cause i thought she would liver forever…

She suffered, i slept. She got up and suffered again. Then in the morning i took her to the hospital and after only 4 hours, i found her dead. I was running here and there. Getting medicines, injections, glucose bottles and all. I was blaming myself for having spent all my cash on that new phone. All that i had with me, i spent it all on the medicines and i thought she would never die…

I was out, she was okay. She was laughing and talking. I went out to get the new medicines. Suddenly the doctor called for me. I came rushing inside. I saw the doctor and his team pumping oxygen in her body. Her body… her dead body. I knew she was dead. The doctors never gave hope, they kept pumping the oxygen. I could see the pulse. Jumping up, falling down. I was hopeful one moment and stressed in the other instance. She was dead, but i thought she would never die…

The doctor finally gave up as i sank on the couch. My brother and grandfather were crying at her demise. I gathered strength, i moved forward. I could do nothing. I was stoned. I could not move. I touched her feet. They were cold… as cold as death could be. Since then i am a bit scared of cold. I could not touch anything cold for a long time. Even opening the refrigerator would send a chill down my spine.

Its been very long since then. Almost three months. I still cannot gulp the fact that i am alone. I did not even cry since then. I needed to speak out, i needed to talk and cry. But i did not. I know all of us have been through this. We all have lost someone dear and close.

I have changed since then. On the exterior, everything is still the same. On the interior, i am devastated. Only i know about these delusions, these depressive phases, the guilt, the shame, the anxiety, the pressure of increased responsibilities, the loss, the fear, the dizzy brain, the hallucinations….

I am not me anymore. How will i ever be. More miserable than anyone else, i am reduced to a mass of biological human remains. Why do people die when they are not supposed to? And who the hell decides the time to leave? I had to give her so much, tell her so much.

I had to be your pride because i thought you would live forever, i thought you would never die

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