Anxious Bipolar Love


Have you ever experienced love?

Neither have I.

All I have experienced is anxiety,

Worry, fear, disappointment

I have experienced attraction,

Longing, desire, devotion

But never experienced love

All I have experienced is

A bipolarity,

Of loving, of not loving,

Of being there, of being absent

Of being a lover, of being indifferent

Everything, but never love.

 

I have known him forever

We are almost twins

Twin souls, twin fire

He knows me, I know him

We know each other like air

Knows air, earth known earth

I am the dwindling, effervescent,

Fixed but fickle fire

He is the stable, give-you-my-all,

Loving and always poetic,

Stressed but steady earth.

We are a match.

Everything, but a couple.

 

I go through extreme highs

and extreme lows of emotion

My restlessness is evident

His, a little too secluded.

I can go months without talking

To him, thinking about him

And yet when we meet,

It is like he never left my mind.

It is like the air that surrounds you

You don’t have to feel its presence

‘cause you know it is always there.

We laugh together, we plan together,

I tell him my plans of world domination

He listens and smiles and says,

“I don’t know what’s happening”

Everything, but a relationship.

 

He fills up my senses

Makes me crave for more

Makes me want to dive into

A relationship

He is the one who makes me

Wish to settle down.

Settle down my wildfire and

Burn happily in a fireplace

He makes me wish to

Calm my nerves, stay stable

And yet he is not stable with me.

Everything, but stability.

 

We talk about so much

We share so much

We love so much

We don’t miss even the subtlest

Of the clues

Yet I am scared to ask him-

Is there someone

Who loves you?

Is there anyone who will

Love you as much as I do?

Will you ever be with someone

Who will make you forget

About my existence?

Is there someone who

Occupies your mind

And your time?

Who texts you?

Who says she loves you?

Do you, do you really,

Love her back?

Everything, but emotional security.

 

He tells me that he has feelings

Of unfathomable expanse

I can feel each microsecond

I can feel each nerve

I can feel each word

Each heartbeat, each breath

Yet, when we break

The embrace of our love,

I am left with that huge empty

Space in my heart

That I have saved for you

For years.

Everything, but togetherness.

 

I have scared people off

Like a tigress

No matter my intentions

Good or bad,

People used to get scared off

You DID NOT.

You stayed with me

You stayed by my side.

Your words have hurt me

Wound after wound

I have endured and

Loved you.

Loved you even when

I did not allow this

Luxury to myself

And yes I have hurt you too

I never responded to your love

For the fear

That you will run away

Everything, but surety.

 

You don’t do it anymore

You don’t tell me how much

You love me anymore

And it is okay

What is the point?

And yet this is all I crave

I want you to tell me

That you love me.

I have rolled up all

The emotions in my heart

Never to speak about them

Ever.

Yet, I still explode and

Tell you everything I feel

At the slightest provocation

You do not respond with

A yes or a no.

Just like me.

All that emotional high

Dies down within moments

And I lie on the floor

Dazed, dizzy  and digressing

To eternal loneliness.

Everything, but an answer.

 

Did I tell you

How many times I

Have thought I am a

Cheater for thinking

About someone else?

Did I tell you why I

Have never found love?

Because I know love

I have love, I have you

Why ‘find’ it?

I wish you would come

To my door one day

With flowers in one hand

And a ring in another

Asking me to be

Yours forever.

I know it won’t happen

But you know wishful thinking

We can never control.

Everything, but wishes coming true.

 

I know, the desire to be

Together has not died

In my heart, nor in yours

But we can not attach that

Together with forever

I don’t know why.

Are you scared?

I am ready to commit

To you. In practice,

I already have.

But will this feeling

Ever get a name?

With every passing day

It feels like I am

Losing you.

So many beautiful girls

Around you all the time.

Ever think about me?

Everything, but me with you.

 

And I wonder, who am I?

A passing fable or

A real love?

A recurring emotion

Or a steady feeling?

My playlist says a lot about me.

I go from sweet, sweet

Love songs to sad songs

And then to crazy indie ones

I am stuck in a loop of two songs

One is a bittersweet tale of love

But it talks about finding

And being with the one you love

Of entering a bond that says

‘forever’

The second, a story of my own

Bipolar self. Highs and lows

Ups and downs

Of being and not being

Of sending your love miles away

And still crave it like oxygen.

Everything, but sweet nothings.

 

You are either my everything

Or I am totally, I mean totally

Indifferent to you.

I can cross the ocean for you,

But will I cross a puddle?

I can fight with the world for you,

But will I fight myself?

I can love you till eternity,

But can I love you,

Right now?

Can I get over my extremes?

Can I get over my anxiety?

Can I get over my mania?

Can I get over my depression?

Can I love you,

Regardless of you

Loving me back?

Everything, but my sanity.

 

If I do nothing, you remain

My unrequited love

If I do something, I only get

To hold you for a few moments

Unless you move farther away

And no its not you,

Right now, its not even me

It is time, circumstances,

Pulling us away

I don’t know what you

Feel about it

But it tears me apart

Making me more bipolar

Than ever

On one hand, I want to stick

With you, be with you

Do everything I can

To be around you

To comfort you in my arms

To cook for you,

To love you.

On the other, I want to let

You go.

I don’t want to interfere

With the path life has chosen

For you. I wish I could

Get over these feelings.

I can jump from one moment

Of elation and another of

Depression, in a matter

Of minutes.

I can be determined to love you

In one moment and sadly

Letting you go, in another.

I want the best for you,

But then I think I am

The best for you too.

Everything, but calm.

 

No, these are not mixed emotions.

No, I am serious.

This is a serious case

Of emotions getting the best

Out of me.

I have avoided them all through

My life. Here, they just

Bring out my worse.

No I am not indecisive.

I just don’t know what to feel.

Should I love you like

I always have, from a distance?

Should I take the chance,

Should I tell you one

Last time and ask you

For… for togetherness?

Should I just let God decide?

No I don’t want you to go,

But God, it looks like

You have to go.

Can it be possible for me to

Know whether you really

Want me or not?

What do you think?

What is on your mind?

Can we take a chance?

Clear the doubts, tell me

Do you want to stay or go?

No don’t go. Please stay.

I want you to stay.

I want you to be with me.

I will let you decide the menu.

I will let you be yourself.

I will never judge you.

I will listen patiently,

When you sing.

I will keep you happy,

I know I can do it

Forever. Yes, forever.

I have felt love, only with you.

Why do you think,

I can ever share it with anyone else?

No one has had access

To my deepest emotions, desires

And fears.

But you are allowed

I can let you in, only you.

Everything, but peace.

 

I am not always sweet

Do you only like the sweet,

Playful, funny side of me.

Will you understand my pain,

My baseless fears,

Not-so-normal behavior?

I am listening to the same song

On repeat for the past 4 hours.

Will you be okay if I am

A little crazy?

Will you listen to my troubles?

Will you listen to my heart?

Will you listen to my demons?

There are not many, but

They trouble me.

Will you ask them to leave, please?

I cannot do it myself.

No, I can do everything myself.

I just want you to do this for me.

Just drive them away

And tell them not to come

Back and haunt me.

I know you, you know me

But there is so much more

To know and explore

I want to take a chance and dive-in

This deep, endless trench

I am ready to land in the abyss

If only we hold the lamp

Together.

Everything, but you in my life.

 

No, go away.

Don’t be a part of my life.

Just leave.

Leave and don’t come back.

I am miserable when I am with you

I am miserable without you

But at least I know I don’t

Have to hope for you

To come back and heal me.

Just go and be a good memory.

Don’t hurt me. Don’t bring me to tears.

I look into the mirror, look at my

Miserable self, at my condition

And cry. I stop. Why cry for you?

Why cry for anyone?

Why cry even for myself?

Go, leave me alone, but please come back

Tomorrow evening

I would want to spend some time

With you. I want to feel happy.

You are a drug. I need more and more

Of you to keep me sane.

I don’t want anything else from you.

Just be with me and tell me that

You love me. That is it.

I will do the rest. I will fight all the

Troubles away. But I always do that

For myself and others.

For once, I hope, someone does that

For me.

Ah! Don’t bother about it.

I am crazy. But a crazy girl who loves you.

Yes, I am totally bipolar.

I do get full-blown mad.

I cry like a baby, laugh like a child.

I am adamant, headstrong, wild

I am sweet, with deep laugh lines

I have curious eyes but a very settled

Studious, steady look.

I am so much I don’t know.

I am restless, I throw what I don’t like

I don’t repair, I replace

I am reckless with people

I don’t care whether they

Are dead or alive

I don’t pick up calls

I don’t respond to people’s texts

But some people are so close

And so dear to me.

Everything, but typical.

 

I am stable, totally, 1000% stable

In a few cases, for a few people

I know all of them can be

Counted on my fingertips

But hey, you are one of them.

No matter how crazy, I love you.

Please, please, please love me back.

Please don’t think I am clingy

I am not pushing you

Into loving me

But I wish you did

I wish you really rang the doorbell

Someday. I open the door,

And there you are. The same flowers

The same ring and the same you,

Asking me to be yours,

Forever.

Too much writing. I am tired of

This song now. Why do I write epics

When I just wanted to write a sonnet?

Oh damn! This…. Why am I even doing this?

In fact, I just wanted to say, I love you.

These long free verses scare me as much

As they scare you.

How can I love something with

Such intensity?

And why, instead of telling you

That I love you in small sweet ways,

I choose to write these long poems?

Such grandiose I bring

to this event that I wait for months

in a row.

Again, I am a bomb.

Uranium-235. Told you.

Nerd with a love for red lipsticks

Haha! I am crazy.

Everything, but normal.

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